First, we want to look for what feelings arose in you after what happened.

WHY:

Identifying feelings keeps us out of judgments and assumptions of what’s right, wrong, inappropriate or “should” have happened. Also, naming feelings helps us take responsibility for our reaction while giving others information about how their actions may have impacted us.

TIPS:

• Use this feelings list for a thorough compendium of true feelings.

• Words like “attacked,” or “betrayed” are not true feelings. They convey our interpretation of someone’s actions.

• Low intensity feelings like stressed, confused, concerned, frustrated can be easier for others to process than higher intensity feelings like angry or disappointed.

• Whenever we describe a feeling with the words “I felt like…” or “I felt that…” this is a thought or opinion, not a true feeling.

• For examples of how to differentiate thoughts from feelings, go here.

When (observation) happened, I felt _________________.

Now, that we are aware of feelings, we want to know what mattered to you that stimulated these feelings.

WHY:

There is something precious to us inside our reactions. Identifying what’s important to us (our needs, values, purpose), gives us vital information and empowers us by giving us words for what’s at stake. Also, identifying needs can spur curiosity about what could work better.

TIPS:

• Use this needs list for a thorough compendium of Universal Human Needs.

• Universal human needs are different than strategy. Our needs are what support thriving. Strategies are the specific and various ways we meet needs. i.e. We all want a sense of belonging (this is a need); some of us will find this at church; some as members of a sports fan club; and some at the nightclub dancing until 2am (these are all strategies). Multiple strategies exist to attend to every need.

• Put your need in context. If your need is to contribute, expand by giving more information without offering a strategy: “It’s important to me to contribute to the efficiency of the project.”

• For examples of how to create contextualized needs and how needs differ from strategies, go here.

  I had these feelings because____________matters to me.